Do you believe that because you may have already done a lot of healing work, your relationship should be easier? Can a relationship be saved or improved if one partner doesn't want to work on it?
Do you believe that because you may have already done a lot of healing work, your relationship should be easier? Can a relationship be saved or improved if one partner doesn't want to work on it?
Hi everyone. Dr. Margaret Paul here with the Inner Bonding Podcast. I’ve been working with couples for the past 56 years. Individuals often come to me for help wondering if it’s really possible to save or improve their relationship. Most of the time, no matter what the problems are in the relationship – unless there is physical abuse or severe emotional abuse, healing can occur if that is what both partners want, and both people are open to doing their own inner work. In fact, I often see miracles occur, even in long marriages, when both people are devoted to doing their own Inner Bonding work.
But what about if only one partner wants to do the inner work necessary to heal?
Perhaps their partner is totally uninterested in working on the relationship. Perhaps their partner is an alcoholic or drug addict. What are their chances of saving their relationship?
Since two people always get together at their common level of woundedness - which is their common level of self-abandonment - here is what I say to the partner who has sought my help: "As long as you choose to remain in this relationship, there are things for you to learn. Each partner contributes their 100% to the relationship. While it’s often easy to see what your partner is doing that is harmful to the relationship, it’s often difficult to see what you are doing. Yet until you learn about your part in this relationship system, you will take your own dysfunctional behavior with you into another relationship. It's generally a waste of time to leave a relationship before healing your own end of the system, unless, as I said, there is physical abuse or severe emotional abuse. Even though you do need to learn about your part of the relationship system, it’s never advisable to stay in an abusive relationship.
Other than being in a physical or emotionally abusive relationship, which you need to leave as soon as you can, the time to leave is when you have learned to make yourself happy regardless of what your partner is doing. When you learn to take responsibility for your own feelings and needs, and if your partner is still behaving in ways that are unacceptable to you, then it may be time to leave if that’s what you want. First, you need to discover how to respond to your partner in ways that are loving to yourself and that support your own joy and highest good, which means doing your own Inner Bonding work and seeing what happens.
When the partner who is available does his or her own inner work, one of two things happen. Either the other partner likes what is happening and becomes more open, or the relationship becomes more distant and difficult. I tell my clients that it is a 50-50 deal when only one partner is working on the relationship - half the time things get better and half the time they get worse. They need to be okay with either outcome. In fact, I encourage them to let go of the outcome and just be in the process of learning how to take loving care of themselves through their consistent practice of Inner Bonding.
Let's take some examples. Craig is unhappy in his marriage because his wife, Gloria, is often angry and judgmental toward him. Craig sees himself as the victim of Gloria's unloving behavior, blaming her for his unhappiness. However, Craig is an equal part of the relationship system. He generally reacts to Gloria's anger with compliance, giving himself up in his covert attempt to control Gloria's anger. He believes that being a "nice guy" will control her feelings and behavior. So, while Gloria is attempting to overtly control Craig, Craig is attempting to covertly control Gloria. Until Craig starts to speak his truth rather than give himself up as his form of control, he will feel resentful and distant with Gloria. If he has the courage to take loving care of himself by speaking his total truth without blame or judgment and take loving actions for himself based on his truth, then either things will get better, or they will get worse. The only way Craig will be able to be honest and take care of himself is if he is willing to lose Gloria rather than continue to lose himself. It’s not easy to reach a place where you are willing to lose the other person rather than lose yourself, but this is what it takes to risk learning to love yourself and take responsibility for your own feelings rather than continue to control your partner in overt or covert ways.
It's important to understand that it’s overt and covert controlling behavior, coming from your wounded self, that is the primary cause of relationship problems. If both people were loving to themselves, they would have an easy time being loving to each other, and their relationship would flourish.
Marilyn is married to Martin, a non-abusive functioning alcoholic. The problem for Marilyn is that when Martin drinks, which is every night, he completely disconnects from her, and she feel very lonely with him. She's tried in many ways to get Martin to connect to her, but nothing has worked. Most nights, Marilyn just watches TV, feeling sad and alone.
Until Marilyn decides to do whatever she needs to do to make herself happy, nothing will change. If she decides to take classes, get together with friends, join a support group, or go to Alanon, she will no longer be a victim of Martin's decision to withdraw through alcohol. If Marilyn continues to take care of herself over time, like six months to a year, and nothing changes, then she can decide to leave if that’s what she wants. Or she can decide to stay and just continue making herself happy. The possibility also exists that when Marilyn stops pulling on Martin to connect with her, he may decide to deal with himself rather than be left alone most of the time.
Can this relationship be helped? Maybe. If you are questioning whether your relationship can be helped, then do your own Inner Bonding work and find out!
A question I often receive from my clients who have done a lot of individual healing work is "Why am I struggling in this relationship after all my healing work? I should be further along in my healing process."
What many people who have done individual healing work before getting into a relationship don’t understand is that no matter how much inner work they’ve done, relationships bring up everything that’s unhealed, which makes it an ideal arena to do the deeper healing work.
Sophia is struggling with this and asked me this question at one of my events:
(Quote) “I'm finding my new relationship extremely challenging. After three years of being single, I thought I'd be further along with self-esteem challenges, but no! I can so easily find myself feeling needy with my partner AND abandoning myself - behavior that feels frightening and shameful. I need suggestions on how to soothe myself in the moment. I do EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique) and Heartmath exercises that help, but I am still really struggling, and I need help.” (Unquote)
Sophia may have done much inner work during the three years she was single, but being in a relationship triggers old fears of rejection that likely never got triggered in the three single years. You can do a ton of work on yourself – learning how to take loving care of yourself in many different ways but taking care of yourself in a relationship is a whole other challenge.
When someone becomes important to you, any unhealed issues from your early relationships with your family of origin or with others who may have caused you pain will become apparent. This isn’t so much about self-esteem as it is about Sophia’s beliefs regarding what she needs in order to feel loved. The fact that she so easily finds herself feeling needy – which comes from abandoning herself – indicates that she believes it is her partner's love that will give her a sense of self-worth. While she might feel worthy in many ways when she is not in a relationship, her self-abandonment within a relationship makes her self-worth plummet and scares her little girl.
On top of this, she is judging herself for being needy, which is what is causing the shame. Then, she tries to take away the fear and shame with various techniques, which only causes her little girl to feel more abandoned. She is creating layers of pain, because she is trying to get rid of her feelings rather than learn from them.
It’s not about getting rid of her feelings. There is nothing wrong with using EFT and Heartmath exercises to self-soothe, but if she uses these instead of doing her Inner Bonding process, then she is using them to try to get rid of her feelings rather than learn from them. She is missing all the vital information her feelings have for her regarding how she is abandoning and rejecting herself.
What she needs to be doing, each time she feels needy, is to open to learning about how she is abandoning herself and why. In her question, I can see that she is abandoning herself by judging herself, and by making her partner responsible for her feelings, and then trying to get rid of the feelings. Her wounded self has some good reasons for rejecting herself in these ways, which are her false beliefs, and this is what she can explore in her Inner Bonding process.
She needs to let go of the judgment, "I thought I'd be further along with self-esteem challenges." Relationships are challenging for the very reason that they unearth all of our unhealed issues, giving us the opportunity to heal, learn, and grow into more loving human beings. When you are challenged in your relationship, take a deep breath and welcome the challenges as opportunities to learn about your false beliefs that are limiting you – particularly beliefs about what creates self-worth.
Do you know that high self-worth comes from self-love? The truth is that high or low self-worth is primarily the result of how we treat ourselves, not just from how others’ treat us. When you judge yourself and then ignore your feelings or try to get rid of them, you create feelings of unworthiness, emptiness, and neediness. Then you might expect your partner to be responsible for your self-worth and to fill the emptiness that you've created with your self-abandonment and self-rejection. Your partner might be doing the same thing – expecting you to give him or her the love they are not giving to themselves, and this creates a dysfunctional codependent system.
All this changes when you devote yourself to practicing Inner Bonding every time you feel empty, needy, frightened, or shamed. Through your practice, you can discover the false beliefs that lead to your self-abandonment, and you can shift out of self-judgment and self-rejection into self-compassion and self-love. This is what creates self-worth and enables you to share love with your partner rather than keep on trying to get love.
If you do your own inner work, you might be able to change your whole relationship system even if your partner isn’t doing his or her inner work, and if both of you are interested in doing your inner work, then there is a very high probability that your relationship can not only heal but thrive.
Neediness is often a primary cause of relationship problems.
As I’ve said, we are needy when we abandon and reject ourselves and then expect others to take responsibility for our feelings and make us feel lovable and worthy. Neediness is the foundation of codependent relationships: takers demand that others take responsibility for their happiness and wellbeing, and caretakers accept this responsibility in the hope that then the other person will love and approve of them. Neither is taking responsibility for their own feelings, instead abandoning themselves and creating their neediness.
Erin asked me at one of my events:
(quote)"I already see - many times a day - when I am needy and having unrealistic demands from my partner and my friends. Still, the tendency is to want to react needy with pulling and so on. I see it now more, and can stop myself more often now, but what are the next steps in this process of not 'acting it out'? How can I stop feeling rejected a lot?" (unquote)
I said to Erin that the key to understanding the next steps lies in the fact that she feels rejected a lot. Feeling rejected by her partner and others indicates that she is rejecting herself in numerous ways. One thing she is doing that is self-rejecting is making her partner and others responsible for her feelings. Imagine you have a child and instead of loving this child, you try to keep giving the child to others or to a partner to love. Wouldn't the child feel rejected by you? Her inner child feels deeply rejected by her when she pulls on her partner or others for approval and attention
What do you do that is self-rejecting?
Do you judge yourself harshly? Do you stay in your head, ignoring your feelings, rather than being present in your body and attending to your feelings? Do you numb out with various addictions? Do you pull on your partner or others to make you feel safe and lovable? All these ways of abandoning yourself will make your inner child feel rejected by you.
When you practice Inner Bonding and learn to love yourself, you will likely find that you no longer feel rejected by your partner or by others.
Do you know the difference between legitimate needs and neediness?
Vrinda asked me at one of my events:
(quote)"After 7 years of being single, I recently met a very kind and caring man after taking your 30-day 'Attracting Your Beloved' Course! He appears to have all the intrinsic qualities that I was looking for in a person to share my love with and my inner child has never felt so safe with someone. However, on a more practical level, he has little money and no secure job. We are both responsible single parents of one child and I am just getting on my feet financially. It's starting to bother me in terms of the future regarding money. Is this a NEED or am I being NEEDY? After all, I'm only responsible for myself and my son financially, right? If this is a genuine need, how would I communicate that to him in a loving way? Or is that trying to control?” (unquote)
What I said to Vrinda is that it’s a legitimate need to expect your partner to take care of himself and his child financially. I encouraged her to open to learning with him about his money beliefs and how he would see it working if the two of them lived together. I advised her to be very honest about not being willing to take financial responsibility for him and his son. This is a very important issue to resolve before moving into a permanent commitment.
Jacqui also asked at one of my events:
(quote)"When I feel needy with my partner, I sometimes feel indecisive between asking her to hold me or attending to my feelings on my own. I'm not sure whether to cuddle next to her or go do something by myself. I am uncertain why I have this internal conflict and how to decide what to do in those times."(unquote)
What I said to Jacqui is that we all have legitimate needs for being held and receiving support. When you come to your partner as a loving adult, wanting responsibility for your feelings, but needing extra support, you are not being needy. But if you come to your partner as an abandoned child, wanting her to take responsibility for your feelings, you are being needy. It's all about your intent.
We can’t always take care of our needs ourselves and we might need an extra loving adult to help us with difficult feelings or situations. It’s one of the benefits of being in a relationship that we can turn to our partner for this help, support, or holding. But there is a huge difference between coming to your partner while you, as a loving adult, are holding your inner child and needing extra help, and coming to your partner as your wounded self, handing him or her your inner child. The first is asking for help with your legitimate need, and the second is being needy.
I told Jacqui to ask herself, "Do I want her to do it with me or for me?” If you are honest with yourself, then you will know what to do.
When you learn and practice Inner Bonding – learning to take responsibility for your own feelings – you heal the self-abandonment that results in neediness. You CAN move beyond neediness, and this will have a profound impact on healing your relationship.
However, it’s not unusual for a client to believe they are diligently practicing Inner Bonding, yet nothing is changing or healing. There is a very good reason for this.
Len contacted me for Inner Bonding facilitation when he was at the verge of divorce. He had discovered Inner Bonding through a Google search and realized that what he was struggling with was self-abandonment.
Len was diligent in having sessions with me and in reading everything he could about Inner Bonding. Within a couple of months, he could spout Inner Bonding with the best of them and had even started to help various friends and relatives with Inner Bonding. He was keenly aware of the taker role his wife had adopted in their marriage and completely understood the caretaking role and level of self-abandonment that had been his end of their codependent system.
But nothing was actually changing is his relationships with his wife, because all this information was in his mind, but not in his experience. He was not actually practicing Inner Bonding. He believed that if he understood it, then somehow something would change.
I explained to Len that understanding Inner Bonding is like understanding good nutrition but still eating junk food. He could understand and understand, but unless he took loving action on his own behalf, nothing would change.
Greg had a similar situation to Len. He was an expert in Inner Bonding but discovered in a new relationship that all his old protections were still in place because he had yet to learn how to take loving care of himself in a relationship. Inner Bonding was in his mind, but not in his heart and soul, so he was still unaware of his unloving behavior toward himself and his partner.
Same with Sondra. As a therapist, she could teach Inner Bonding, but in her own life she still had problems connecting with spirit and taking loving action on her own behalf. She could talk it and teach it but wasn't practicing it.
There is no way around it. No matter how much you read about it and talk it and teach it, Inner Bonding won’t work for you in your life if you are not actually practicing it throughout a day.
There are those of you - and you know who you are! - who make incredibly rapid progress with Inner Bonding because you practice it! There truly is no way around it. Like exercise, unless you actually do it, knowing everything about it does you no good at all.
No matter how much you talk it and teach it, you will always feel a bit like a fraud unless you are practicing it. It has to be experiential.
I had to learn this the hard way.
Always loving to learn about new information, I was thrilled when Erika and I met and created Inner Bonding, and spirit helped us create the six steps. I really got the power of it - in my head. It took me a long time before I fully accepted that I had to live it rather than think it. For a long time I believed that if only I understood it better, then things would really change!
Now I know - from experience! - that knowing something and experiencing it are two totally different things. Without experiencing the love that is spirit, you cannot actually know it. You can think it and believe it, but you cannot know it.
For those of you who love to learn as I do, this doesn’t mean that you have to give up reading and learning. But reading and learning will not get translated into true healing in terms of no longer abandoning yourself and in experiencing that the truth and love of spirit is always with you, without moment-by-moment consistent consciousness of being present in your body and wanting responsibility for your feelings. This is the only way to walk your talk. And this is the way to heal your end of your relationship system.
And this takes courage. It takes courage to hang in to a challenging relationship and consistently open to learning about your part of your relationship system. It takes courage to continue to go deeper and deeper into becoming aware of your wounded self and all the overt and subtle ways you’ve learned to control getting love and avoiding pain. It takes courage to learn to keep your heart open to your inner child and your higher guidance and to consistently choose love over control. It takes courage to be willing to be hurt rather than retreat to your learned protective, addictive, controlling behavior. It takes courage to be true to yourself and be willing to lose your partner rather than lose yourself.
I hope you have the courage to do your inner work within your relationship, unless, of course, there is abuse. The rewards within your relationship of doing your own inner work can be amazing, and even more amazing if both of you are doing your inner work!
I invite you to join me for my bi-monthly masterclass and receive my live help, which you can learn about at https://innerbondinghub.com/membership.
I invite you to heal your relationships with my 30-Day online video relationship course: Wildly, Deeply, Joyously in Love.
And you can learn so much about loving yourself, creating loving relationships, and healing from my newest book, “Lonely No More: The Astonishing Power of Inner Bonding” and from our website at https://www.innerbonding.com.
I’m sending you my love and my blessings.